i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
