obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You took a bar mat shot.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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