Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
