She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
