i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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