Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
