dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
