Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
