yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
