Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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