My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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