If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
