just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
