my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
