I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize