Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
