Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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