Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
