New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
