everyone is single if you try hard enough
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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