I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize