nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
