Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize