I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
