Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
