Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
