there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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