Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
