There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
