Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
