those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
