I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
