I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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