You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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