I wish I could punch you in the face.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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