The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
