The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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