Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
