and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
