I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize