then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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