I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
