Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
