Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
