Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
