I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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