Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
