he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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