I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
