if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
