im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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