Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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