break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I should be sponsored by Trojan
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
