Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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