Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
