I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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