apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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