just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
