Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
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